Writing is
an odyssey.
For some it
is a pleasurable wandering.
For
others it is an arduous and deliberate trek.
The
writing process often develops into a longer, more serious
quest than intended, but the end results can be highly rewarding.
In any
case, it helps to seek out ways to improve performance and in the
process lighten the pressures and anxieties commonly associated with the conditions of
writing. And if a little cheerful relief comes from
establishing a few fun and clever guidelines for the trade, then all the more
reason to smile and read on....
I believe those addicted to the pen can relate to my following
rules for writing:
#1 -
Don't listen to anyone but the voices in your head.
They know how the story is supposed to go.
#2 - If a word you need doesn't exist, make it up. Readers will intuit what it means; most won't realize it's not a real word.
Some examples I've personally penned:
chameleonesque, selfishism, hobbitish, stompled, unwakeable, unicorned.
#3 - Following two-thousand literary agents on Twitter will result in none of them following you.
#4 - A
few very terrible words that writers should never really use to live a suddenly awesome happily ever after.
- very
- really
- suddenly
- that
- awesome
- amazing
- terrible
- deadline
- sequel
- once upon a time
- happily ever
after
- a dark and
stormy night
- as soon as I finish this
- plagiarized
#5 -
Accept that you are mental. There is evidence that this is true.
- You chose to be
a writer of your own free will.
- You make up
bizarre worlds inhabited by extraordinary creatures who face unrealistic
odds and challenges daily (if not hourly) the whole while engaged in
clever character banter.
- The
before-mentioned worlds live and breathe in your head, abusing an
excessive amount of plot twists... even when you're not
writing.
- People
constantly look at you funny, wondering how your brain works.
#6 -
Memorize these responses. Recite them as needed.
- I thought deadlines were fictional—like a death curse conjured up by the god of the underworld.
- It's a story. It's not real. (Make sure to cross your fingers when you say this.)
- I would love to
donate a piece for free, but then the characters in my head might start
screaming that I'm neglecting them, and I can't afford medication for the
migraines.
- No, I am not
just staring at a blank screen. It's called exercising your mental
muscle before the marathon.
- The almighty agent forced me *at sword point* to edit that part.
- You wouldn't
understand; you're not a writer.
#7 -
Never comment on negative reviews (without first logging out and then logging
in under your super secret identity.)
#8 -
Always jot down inspiration the moment you have it. This is a must!
Like a bolt of lightning, a muse moment will flash brilliant and then be
gone... for~ev~er.
Here are
common articles you can write with when normal note-taking devices are
unavailable:
- crayons, paint,
coal, ashes, condiments in squirt bottles, dark juice or jello (and a
paint brush), melted chocolate, frosting, blood
Here are
articles that can be used as parchment in a pinch:
- napkins, toilet paper, newspapers, business cards, menus, a child's coloring book (she doesn't need it as much as you), candy wrappers, tortillas, bread slices, an arm, a hand, a leg, a sleeve, eyeglass lenses, book jackets, the back of your date's shirt.
#9 -
Publishers, editors, agents, filmmakers, readers, and other writers are not
your best friends. Your best friends live in your head. Everyone
else is out to get you.
#10 - Write about what you know—otherwise look it up on the internet.
#11 - Construct personality-trait outlines for every character in your book. Include descriptions of style and appearance, mannerisms, frequently uttered expressions, and individual tics or quirks. Ask friends and family members to behave like these characters for the purpose of establishing realism. Call it research.
#12 - If everyone but you esteems your written work as excellent, it is not a success. If no one but you esteems your written work as excellent, it is not a success. If characters from your book ask you to read the finished work over and over again, applauding after each reading, consider it a success.
#13 - Every rule for writing adhered to by outstanding authors has a completely opposite rule supported by equally outstanding authors. (To deal with this, refer to rule #1.)
#10 - Write about what you know—otherwise look it up on the internet.
#11 - Construct personality-trait outlines for every character in your book. Include descriptions of style and appearance, mannerisms, frequently uttered expressions, and individual tics or quirks. Ask friends and family members to behave like these characters for the purpose of establishing realism. Call it research.
#12 - If everyone but you esteems your written work as excellent, it is not a success. If no one but you esteems your written work as excellent, it is not a success. If characters from your book ask you to read the finished work over and over again, applauding after each reading, consider it a success.
#13 - Every rule for writing adhered to by outstanding authors has a completely opposite rule supported by equally outstanding authors. (To deal with this, refer to rule #1.)